Turning Toward: The Small Moments That Build Connection

Relationships aren't built in grand romantic gestures. They're built in tiny, seemingly insignificant moments throughout the day. Dr. John Gottman calls these moments 'emotional bids,' and research shows they're one of the most powerful predictors of relationship success.

An emotional bid is any attempt to connect with your partner. It might be verbal ('Look at that sunset'), physical (a touch on the shoulder), or even just a sigh that invites a response. These bids are constantly happening in relationships, often so small we barely notice them.

When a bid is made, partners can respond in one of three ways: turning toward (acknowledging and engaging with the bid), turning away (ignoring it), or turning against (rejecting it with hostility). The pattern of responses over time shapes the relationship's trajectory.

In Gottman's research, couples who eventually divorced turned toward each other's bids only 33% of the time. Couples who were still happily married six years later turned toward each other 86% of the time. The difference wasn't about big fights or dramatic moments. It was about these tiny interactions, repeated thousands of times.

Consider a simple example: your partner is reading an article and says, 'Wow, this is interesting.' That's a bid. Turning toward might mean looking up and asking, 'What are you reading?' Turning away would be continuing what you're doing without acknowledging them. Turning against would be responding with irritation: 'Can't you see I'm busy?'

None of these individual moments seems significant. But multiply them across days, weeks, and years, and the cumulative effect is enormous. Partners who consistently turn toward each other build what Gottman calls an 'emotional bank account,' a reservoir of positive sentiment that helps buffer the relationship during difficult times.

The challenge is that bids are easy to miss, especially when we're distracted, stressed, or taking the relationship for granted. Many bids are indirect or subtle. A partner who says 'I had a long day' might really be asking for comfort or connection, not just making small talk.

To strengthen this dynamic, start by noticing bids, both the ones you make and the ones your partner makes. Pay attention to moments when your partner seems to be reaching for connection, even in small ways. And when you notice a bid, try to turn toward it, even if just briefly.

You don't have to drop everything every time. A simple acknowledgment ('That does sound interesting, tell me about it in a minute') is still turning toward. What matters is the pattern over time: a consistent message that your partner's attempts to connect with you are welcome and valued.